Just yesterday I said “When did that guy grow a p*ssy?” And my spouse said “Did I actually hear my wife say that? No, my wife would not have said that.” I’ve been thinking about it ever since. No, my husband wasn’t responding to my crassness. I’ve always used whatever words come to mind. It’s more that my language choices do not align with my beliefs. Sure, I’m just going with the flow of things, repeating what I hear, going for a punch statement. However, I need to rise above that.

I mean, let’s discuss p*ssy and balls. Why do we equate valor (or the lack thereof) with slang words for genitals? And why does the male term get the distinction of courage while the female term is one better known for weakness? I do not like this. We often say “grow a pair” as if only people with large balls can face strife. I do appreciate the term chutzpah, but am I allowed to say that? Or is it like “ciao” in that many non-Italian speakers use the term? It doesn’t quite have the same zing as the aforementioned, perhaps because not everyone knows the term. But at least it isn’t associated with any gender assumed patriarchal stereotypes.

Why do we call people assh*les? Assh*les are very, very useful. Ask someone who doesn’t have one. A-holes help keep poop in, and evacuate it when needed. They’re like little gatekeepers of our bodies. But we tend to use the term to insult someone we find stupid or contemptible. This just does not work for me. I don’t want to insult my anatomy by calling someone I don’t care for a very valued part of my body. Now an itchy assh*le, that is unpleasant. And perhaps we could describe people who are a nuisance as itchy buttholes instead of just ordinary, hard working buttholes.

Why oh why do we call people whom we do not want anywhere near us, things that go inside of us? I’m referring to douches and dicks. These seem like illogical insults. I would think if you absolutely couldn’t stand someone, you’d call them something that you don’t want anywhere near you, and certainly not within you. Like poison ivy. Or a bullet. See where I’m going here?

So, if we really don’t like someone, or are suddenly enraged, why do we say “F*ck you!” Why would we bid an orgasm to someone we are not pleased with? Take it a step further with “Go f*ck yourself” and here again, we are wishing a rival self pleasure? This makes zero sense to me. Shouldn’t we say something that would bring massive discomfort to someone who snagged the last parking spot or who ate your lunch from the office refrigerator? I’m just spit-balling here, but like: “I hope the zipper on your jeans fails when you really, really have to go to the bathroom” or “I hope you get 100 burs in your hair” seem far more unpleasant.

Am I an over-thinker? Absolutely. Proud to be so. I recognize that I cannot change the movement of our vernacular single handedly. But I do think that mid-life is a prime time to rebrand my insults and get more creative with my name calling. I only intend to put down the person I’m speaking to/about, I no longer wish to insult my body or my gender. I think I can do this, but it will certainly take some retraining of the brain. If you have any suggestions of what I can add to my sack of insults, let me know!

I love words. Words swirl and dance around in my head. I have many deep thoughts. Some thoughts plague me. In order to release them, I have to assign the words. Once the words are strung together, I feel free again.

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